| To my Mother. |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|03:31 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | mom | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bedroom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I am sorry I am not the person you spent every waking second, every minute of sleep, and every ounce of energy trying to raise me to be. I am sorry I have failed everything you worked so hard for, trying to make me into something great, trying to guide me into someone that actually means a damn in this world, and instead I am just a cold, ungrateful, fool that destroys all the good in his life. I have steeped into this terrible depression, this total lack of any positive emotion, this terrible mindset on life.
I've destroyed a friendship that meant a lot to me, and for what reason? None. Sheer stupidity, anxiety, envy, and confusion are only excuses, but they are the only ones I have to explain as to why I ruined something so great. It burns me inside. I honestly can't go throughout the day thinking about it, about her. But what I did is done, and I don't see how I can honestly live with it, but I have no other option. I can never tell her how I actually feel. I can never honestly see us being friends again because of what I've done. But I can honestly say that I have absolutely no idea what in the hell I am even doing here anymore.
It hurts to say that when I look at your picture, or try to remember things, that I just look at you and see the complete opposite of what I am. I see a woman who rose from the bottom, someone who was shit on, someone who had little, someone who dreamed big, someone who achieved something. I, on the other hand, was graced with two loving parents, a home to live in, a safe environment to grow up in, and everything I could ever dream of wanting. Yet, here I am now, wondering what the point of it all was. I feel it was all a waste, I feel that everything you provided me was wasted on a son that you shouldn't have had. The years of spending all that money on a school that provided me a better education, the money you spent on the basketball lessons, the guitar lessons, the toys, the clothes, the guidance, the love, the sense of pride, the care, all of it, should have been saved for someone else. I don't see how someone so pure of heart, someone so deeply compassionate, someone so amazing could ever think that a person like me could ever deserve a god damned second in your life.
So I sit here now, typing this, rereading it, making the best grammatical sentences I can, rereading it, trying to feel some sort of emotion. I can't. All I have is a deep rotting pit in my chest. There is a tingle in my eyes. I have to fight back tears, I have to. If I have learned anything from you, its how to be strong. Yet, all I can think about is how futile it all is. I'll never know what its like to hand your grandson or daughter to you, I'll never know what its like to call you when I tell you that I'm getting engaged, I'll never know what its like to look into your eyes again, hear your voice, know you will fight the dogs and demons of hell to protect me.
I hate to think that I am a product of your work. That can't be. How can something so vile and self deprecating and worthless come from someone so wonderful. I hate to think that I can look at your picture, and feel so empty. I hate that I left dad, I hate that I made this decision to move down here, I hate that he is now in our house alone. I should be there. But I can't be. I can't. I can't fail him, I can't go running back home with my tail between my legs. I miss him dearly. But I know this is what he'd want me to be doing.
I miss you mom. I still sleep with the pillow you loved to have around. I've slept with the hat you wore the day you died on my nightstand every night. I am sorry I never said I love you as much as I wish I had. I am sorry that I am the person you worked so hard to keep me from being. I love you mom. Please watch over me, I need you more than ever. |
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| i dont know what to think, say or do. |
[Aug. 21st, 2008|01:20 am] |
i regret almost everything ive ever done. every day i sit and wonder why i decided to move to kalamazoo, every day i wonder why i am who i am, every day i wonder how i can possibly continue to live my life being the person i am. every day i play out scenarios in my head about things. smashing the picture of my mother and sitting in the middle of my floor crying, hitting the gas pedal to the floor and finding somewhere neat to run it into. im not in a great place at all. all i can say is this, i am sorry to everyone for anything and everything ive done. no, im not going to kill myself. the fucked up thing is, i for some reason enjoy this sense of despair. for some reason, i enjoy knowing certain people in my life think im a fucking piece of shit, for some reason i enjoy knowing that i will never be the wonderful person my mother always knew i was.
im really fucked up in the head. im fine with sitting in my room or the couch all day while everyone lives their lives around me, having fun, laughing, enjoying life within earshot. im fine knowing that im not accepted. im fine with the constant self deprication. it makes sense in my head. i sit and revel in hating myself and getting people do to the same.
i really cant say i know what it would ever mean to be happy, truly happy, truly fine with myself, truly not wanting terrible things to happen to me because i feel i deserve it. i hate myself. i really do. is anyone still reading this? i thought not. no one reads my shit anyways. who the fuck am i to even be sitting here typing this? all i do is hold all this garbage in, for years and years and years.
i keep saying to myself dying would be so much easier, and i know it would be, but its not an option. sometimes i feel i hate myself so much that i would rather put up with myself until i die a natural death than end it prematurely.
so whatever right? no one is reading this, no one can say they honestly care. no one would bend their back to help me through this, all i do is burn bridges.
honestly, i need to not be around people, at all. i dont want to be in kalamazoo anymore. i dont belong there. |
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| so....... |
[Jul. 1st, 2008|11:01 pm] |
so today wasn't really "odd" per se, but different. i buried my mom today. in an old cemetery a few miles west of brimley in the UP. it was another one of those amazing experiences that i cant say many other people will ever experience ever in their lives.
my moms best friend sarah came, and we picked up my aunt dee and uncle duane in st ignace.
it started with us finally making it to the cemetery, which is on a hill that overlooks the st. marys river and canada. the holy man who also did the service for my mom in april was waiting there, and greeted us. he used nothing but a knife and his hands to dig the hole, which was to be arm length. he then explained what was to happen. we came to her urn from the east, which is the direction everything begins, offered tobacco to the urn and my mother along with anything else . he then offered tobacco to the ground, the same tobacco that we had offered at her service to be used in her burial.
he then sung and drummed a song that the local drum had written. it was quite a surreal experience to be in a cemetery in the land that had been inhabited by these people for so many years, hearing the a song and drum for my mother echo through the trees. he then placed her into the ground and asked us to face the east, which was in my opinion to symbolize that the next day and new beginnings are to come, and that we need not look back to the end nor the past. he then asked us to not look back to the west until we came back later to plant some flowers etc, and blew an eagle bone whistle. the wind blew around us during these whistles, from all directions. it was just so surreal.
its days like today that really make you think. throughout the digging of the hole, he told stories. he is so laid back, it is almost as if he had just shown up to where he is and put into these situations, and just lets it happen. his words were just so honest and plain, you couldnt help but just think. it really makes me honestly think about what life is, where my life is going, what ive done, what i want and can do, and then realize that i just have to allow whatever happens to happen, because thats the nature of life, i can only ask, but i may not actually recieve what i ask for, but i have to know that its for the benefit of me, in whatever way it comes.
i dont know what else to say about it really, other than i am glad to be alive, i feel more alive today than i have in a long time. |
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| remember when we first met john mcclane? |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|06:13 pm] |
[18:11] Ryan: we're gonna die
[18:11] buffalotrot: die
[18:11] Ryan: die
[18:11] buffalotrot: die
[18:11] Ryan: die
[18:11] buffalotrot: die
[18:12] Ryan: die hard
[18:12] buffalotrot: die hard |
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| DOOMHOUSE RECIPE!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|05:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
andy is the tomato, he is the reason why anyone even CARES about going to the doomhouse. ryan is the lime juice, because he makes sure everyone in there is doing alright and keeps everything in line, jesse is the cilantro, he gives the house a kick, ska mike is the onion, kaylin is the pepper because shes hot. and i am the LOOOVE. i make every bite of the doomhouse salsa unforgettable. |
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| add just a dash of apathy, salt to taste.... |
[Nov. 17th, 2007|01:19 am] |
so thinking about it while at the gym, i figured that ive gone and done some horrible things to people, whether its on my own accord out of selfishness, or out of sheer ignorance.
im at a point where things mean nothing to me anymore, theres a few things here and there that i take to heart, that i just ruin eventually. so i pretty much get to the point where i just dont care flat out from the beginning anymore, but once in awhile someone or something makes all that wall building a moot point.
this goes out to you specifically. i am truly sorry i am who i am, im sorry i acted like i did, im sorry i said the things i said, im sorry for being what i was and am. im sorry i couldnt be what you wanted or needed, and im sorry it had to come to this for both of us to figure it out. for whatever stupid reason i had, it ended up going south, without any rhyme or reason to it. you came into my life and made sense to me. so what if we didnt click 100 percent on all levels, who does? theres things i did that you didnt care for and vise versa... but i was the one that made it unbearable to go on with. thats what i do, if shit starts going down the tubes, i add the lube to get it over with quicker. thats how i do things. but its over, and i know you want nothing to do with me now, which is totally fine, its something i did to myself and im already at terms with that
whether you reply back to this is inconsequential, because i said what i wanted to say, and thats what i meant to do, was to make peace somehow.
so whatever right? its a done deal, i did what i did and you reacted how you acted, its what human beings do, youve moved on and im still stuck here on my lame ass wondering about shit that could have been if i wasnt such a dick. but what is there to do about it now? nothing
anyways, thats about all i can say for right now, my quadriceps are getting sore, and my eyes are starting to burn and tingle because i might have pink eye.
anyways, thats all... |
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| FUCK MYSELF. |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
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I LOVE WAKING UP EVERY DAY AND FEELING LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT |
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| hot wings, skid marks and cardio |
[Oct. 21st, 2007|01:41 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
its been quite awhile... oh well
so i went to hooters friday night with tony and lee and this guy named kevin. on our way over, i was asked 'why are we going there?"
so i replied "why not? weve never been and i want to see if there is anyone we went to high school with working there"
lo and behold..... WE GOT THERE and to no surpise i saw someone i went to high school with working there.
tee hee.
so i ordered a big mamba daddy of beer, tony and kevin had long islands... one of which had a fly in it...
then i had another big beer and ordered 20 hot wings, 10 regular hot and 10 3 mile island hot and had some tasty blue cheese.
i ate most of them, and had 2 more pints of guinness.
yeah... baaaad idea.
no i didnt get indigestion, i just ended up at work with fire shit, and apparently had a hard time wiping because afterwards i noticed on a trip back to the bathroom that i had left a tad bit of a skid mark.
oh well.
about a month or so ago i joined a gym. ive been going about 2-3 times a week. i can say i feel the results, im down to wearing a 36 comfortably and dont feel groggy and such. i ran almost 4 miles after work tonight. tomorrow i start my new free weights training. i used the machines for awhile, but my trainer has me now on free weights. yeah i have a personal trainer, ive never done a fucking athletic thing in my life since 8th grade, so i knew NOTHING about machines and correct techniques and if i were just given free reign over the room, id be doing really dumb non productive workouts that got me nothing but sore and tired.
HOORAY FOR A NON INDENTED PARAGRAPH.
i smell and have to shower and eat, im starving
see you in another 5 weeks probably |
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| 1st full week of august |
[Aug. 13th, 2007|03:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
yeah, so it started with a sore throat. kind of sucked. it all came on at work last like saturday or so in about a half hour. the next day i was stuffy, meh blah blah fast forward to wednesday.
i was snotted and congested, and was talking a mix between darth vader and tom waits. thursday rolls around.... i try talking... i cant. i end up doing some errands, and i am walking towards the 'area" that i intend on shopping or whatever at, and i find the associate about 10 feet away saying 'can i help you".
of course i have to walk right up to them and in my barely audible voice chirping whatever i was trying to find. then "what?" then me saying it again until they heard me.
i go to work, loud casino, doing a job i need a voice to do. i end up doing hand signals a good deal of the night. my boss gives me friday off to rest my voice and such, and i am just NOW getting over it.
so after a shitty dumb lame meh week, i thought id pamper myself. i shaved for the first time in weeks... washed AND conditioned my hair, and used my nice smelling body wash. yeah boy.....
tommorrow i plan on disc golf, and tuesday, and wednesday.
im gonna grab a few more discs to try out. but most importantly, a new XL. i found out last week that i can throw very consistently with the XL. in about a months worth of playing ive gone from having absolutely no shot, to almost pushing 300 feet backhand. i dont get much "field practice" but im hoping to change that. i also found i can throw very well sidearm. im getting to be able to form my shots, know what i need to do to get what i need to get done.
yay disc golf.
word
GET YOURS. |
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| annoyances #1 |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|05:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sore | ] |
okay heres a thing im gonna start doing whenever i feel i should do it. its called annoyances. its me trying to figure out what and why things happen and trying to figure out what the fuck is going on?
heres issue number one....
steelroots tv. Christian evangelistic tv shows are sheer madness to me. the guys wearing $5k suits talking about 'giving up your material vices", kirk cameron and that other british or whatever he is guy telling people they are going to burn in hell because they are sinners... but steelroots makes me laugh... hard.
its an outreach to a younger "hipper" audience. its a way to convey the word of god and not lose the attention of tweens and adolescents. the premise is this: grab a bunch of people who are devout christians and have them come on the show and talk about god. the catch? THEY ARE EXTREME SPORTS ATHLETES! either that or are in a METAL OR PUNK ROCK BAND YEAH!!!!!!!
so the key to young peoples hearts is skateboarding and metal music eh? i can dig that... but come on. something about it just... and im not saying its bad at all more power to these people... but COME ON man. "yeah we're in this rad metal band called "defiance in the lords name" and we sing a lot about how we love god and hate sin.
"rock and roll man"
i dont get it. sure, it might work, hell it probably does work.. but i dont get it. the thing i think is HILARIOUS though is the guy that hosts it. he gets these guys on there, they talk about their "resume'" or whatever like "yeah i was the pro surfing champ in '99 and '01" and gets their gonads off talking about themselves.. then comes the "but how has god changed your life?" question.. then one of 2 or 3 answers comes out: "i was tired of living my life going in the wrong direction... the girls the booze blah blah etcs"; "i needed someone and he was there for me when i needed him and yatta yatta:"
thats all fine and dandy i suppose, then the best part comes.. either they show a video of them like doing whatever they do or play one of their songs that sound like every other christian song out there.
THEN..... for added flavor, they try and do something fun with them to show "they are just like the rest of us and like to have fun...."
2 of these are more memorable than any other.... the first? this lame band was there, and the host is like "YAH LETS ALL RIDE A MECHANICAL BULL" so they did... the second? some guy and him played DDR. YEAH THATS THE SHIT... about 5 or 6 years ago....
and you know that look on a little kids face when hes doing something that isnt that fun but is pretending?
that is the look they have. ALL OF THEM
thats it. its incoherent and shitty. fuck you if you read this.
::end transmission:: |
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| BUNG |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|01:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
so dealing cards is still fun. im getting KIND of burnt out on blackjack and being in the pit, i cant say ive been in the poker room for more than 4 hours the past 2 weeks
i enjoy forza motorsport 2 a lot.
i was looking up stuff about WRC and the like, and there are some sweet classes in melbourne and in the UK that you can actually drive legit rally cars and learn the techniques and stuff... too bad im not in the UK or in australia, and too bad this country is so nascar insane that other motorsports can barely get any recognition for existing. i was pissed, the first WRC show ive seen in forever and i fell asleep because i was too tired to stay awake.
meh
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| being home |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|03:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
being home is odd. it feels really good. not saying that being with my friends in kazoo isnt fun, but yeah... i like being in my own place with my stuff and knowing i have food and dont have to drive down westnedge and find something.
that and ive bought beer every time im down there thinking people will drink with me but then they stop and i end up not even having a reason to have bought the more beer. so theres a 12 pack of molson sitting in the doomhouse fridge that i am not giong to drink, let alone the case of PBR i left down there 2 weeks ago. (we drank that when i went down there last week, so it was fine)
but again, its nice to be home, i missed my sissy, i missed work and blah dee blah. my parents too.
i love degrassi. god damn....
im starving too.
i dont feel like drinking beer much anymore really. i dunno, its boring in a way... i mean yeah, enjoy beer, i enjoy the different styles of beer, and the different beers within those styles, like molson vs. moosehead or smithwick vs. guinness.
poker is boring. ive been dealing blackjack a lot more, and its growing on me. im not saying poker sucks, its just getting to the point that where i have to listen to stupid poker stories constantly and listen to the players who are getting beat up talk about "oh my god i cant get a hand" or "why else would i have kings? of course so that someone with ace-rag can hit his ace and blah blah blah" or those guys who think they are just king shit about poker and talking about "how could he call a 20 dollar raise with KQ? what a donkey" WHO CARES HE HAS YOUR MONEY K THX BYE.
anyways, im gonna make foods
boobs. |
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| ryan is gay |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|10:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
ryan spent the last 30 minutes primping himself up cuz we're going to a bar. he put on a red shirt and covered himself in body spray. then andy said he was gay.
i believe him
DRINKINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
actually it wasnt ryan, but it was meeeee.....
but im gonna say its ryan because kaylins vagina is bleeding. |
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| nothing new to say |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|07:54 pm] |
watching the tigers game, its my last night in kazoo for now.
lauren is coming over tonight, we are blood enemies which is fun.
kaylin is reading a horrible depressing book about rape and murder and switching souls with a girl and having sex with the boy she wanted or something.
yeah i dont get it.
we are gonna drink wines later
i just got raped in the armpit.
oh and by the way, did you hear about the duke lacrosse team? i heard they are pretty much raping the competition.
those arent testicles.
they are uh...
yeah theyre testicles.
fuck you. |
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| ryan is a whiny bitches |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|01:42 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | doomhouses | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | SUNBURNS WHATS?! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the fan. | ] |
"I MISSED VERLANDERS NO HITTER TODAY CUZ I WAS IN THE GRANDED RAPIDS WAZTCHINGS A SHOW AND IT WASNT THAT GOOD CUZ IT WAS JUST TOUGH GUY HARDCORE WAAHHHH IM SUNBURNT MORE THAN YOU EVEN THOUGH ITS MY FAULTS
end quote "
coops keeps walking up and down the stairs.
what the fuck.
this isnt as epic as kaylin says it is.
andy are you fapping?
so the funny thing is ryan has a box of tampons... because he cant handle the 'pain'.
wahh.
stop laughing kaylin.
faggot.
jacob anderson stomach vaginas.
end of story for now. |
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